 One of the unique aspects of my job during COVID-19 is the opportunity to see how people generally are responding to this pandemic in the New Jersey/New York region. Every situation and response varies but everyone's lives have been affected in some way.
With this pandemic, what appears to be coming up the strongest is that there is truly no place to hide from ourselves. We are forced to stay at home, all day. The distractions of working, going to school, commuting, shopping or socializing may no longer be there. Consequently, we are being forced to spend WAY more time with our thoughts and feelings than ever before. With all this extra time and limited distractions, everything is rising up to the surface. All of our negative thoughts, stories, worries and difficult memories are getting louder and louder. Any relationship issues we pushed to the side are now staring us in the face. That is both uncomfortable and terrifying. So what next? How do we deal with the messiness of ourselves? For starters, this whole situation is new and the way to manage is something we are still learning, myself included. What I can say is that the same tools we have used in challenging times are still there for us now. Yes, they will not be the same given our situation. If the gym was your go-to stress reliever, that unfortunately is not available right now. It will take adjustment, creativity and thinking outside the box. But you will need to lean on those tools. We are in a pandemic and we will all need a little extra care. For myself, I've been leaning on walks, meditation, yoga, Arrested Development (oddly comforting to me in times of high stress), running, random dance parities and cooking. Find what helps you. Second, try to recognize and be mindful of what you are emotionally experiencing at this time. We are being challenged in a big way, so it's natural to feel anger, depression, boredom or any other negative emotion that has been coming up. We are human, so this process will not be perfect. Acknowledge that this will be a tough time. Give yourself compassion for your situation and what you are being faced with. Even just saying aloud to yourself "this is a tough time, so it's understandable I feel this way" is enough. Let go of comparisons to others, especially situations or people that leave you feeling worse. I've heard a lot of clients talk about how they shouldn't feel something because their situation is not as bad as X, Y or Z. Comparative suffering leaves most of us feeling even more uncomfortable with ourselves and our emotions. Lastly, times of challenge always afford opportunity for growth. I know how annoying that can sound. If you are suffering, I know it can sound like it's condoning the suffering. But seeing what you are going through as opportunity can offter hope and encouragement. Yes, you can get through this. You have strength and determination that has always been there and it's rising up the surface now to help you. We are all so much stronger than we think. Deep breaths, you are enough and you got this.
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 In the United States, we are going into week seven of stay at home orders. People are starting to feel their anxiety rising, and I include myself in that category. We cannot help but ask, how long will this go on for? When will life feel normal again? People are getting frustrated and it's understandable. We want this to end. We want our normal lives back. We miss our family, friends, and routines. And anxiety is further compounded if you are experiencing financial hardship due to COVID-19, job loss or have a loved one that has tested positive for the virus. This does not even include the many, many people we have lost to this virus and the heartache their family and loved ones are now experiencing. Because there is still no clear end in sight, we have no other choice but to stay present. And that truly falls into the category of easier said than done. (Most of what we talk about in counseling falls into this category.) We want to plan and think ahead; it's part of our natural instincts. Planning for the weekend is what gets us through a rough week. Thinking about summer makes the winter months more manageable. Unfortunately, because everything is still so unclear, we cannot look too far ahead. This will only lead to frustration and likely disappointment. If you find your mind is racing forward, here's a grounding exercise I recommend that brings you back to the present. It's a short and easy practice you can do just about anywhere. It's especially helpful in times of high anxiety and panic. Look around you. Identify and name -
Give this practice a try the next time you are struggling with being in the present. It's a challenge for the mind to be present so be gentle with yourself. Any small decrease in anxiety is progress!  In my last post I talked about the different ways to take care of your mental health during this pandemic. One of the points I mentioned was the importance of staying present during this time. This is a time of serious unknowns: we have no idea how long this will go on for or the repercussions. Because everything is so unclear, it's important to stay present and recognize when your mind is jumping too far ahead.
When talking about staying present, a common question can be, how do I plan ahead if I'm just focusing on today? There are problems and issues that we need to plan for. Even if they are not directly affecting us today, they will be soon and we need a plan. However, this is not how our brains work. Our brains will focus constantly and incessantly on an issue. And they will begin to focus on problems that may never occur or are highly unlikely to occur. Our brains are built for survival, so they will latch on to any problem that they believe will be a danger to us, whether that is physical or emotional danger. Because we are in a pandemic, our brains are on high alert. They are going to be running wild, thinking about all kind of crazy scenarios. We can't blame our minds; they're just trying to protect us. Try to recognize when this is occurring as a way to step back and not be owned by the thoughts. "What if" thoughts are particular culprits for jumping ahead. A "what if" thought is any thought that starts with "what if" and jumps ahead to a possibility. Like, what if I lose my job? Or what if this goes on for several months? You might think, but isn't that good? I'm planning ahead! The issue with "what if" thoughts is that they focus on problems that are either unlikely to occur or are out of our control. Here is a practice for ways to distinguish anxious thoughts from actual problems you need to plan for:
Try not to get frustrated at yourself if you are struggling and your mind keeps going back to these problems. This is a high stress time and it's normal to feel on edge. Be patient and kind to yourself; we all need some of that right now.  Let's just say this, first and foremost: this is a crazy time. This is truly a crazy, unprecedented, scary, is-this-really-happening? kind of time. No one can deny that. The entire world is battling this virus. When I first heard about the Coronavirus, never could I have imagined that it would come to this. I think it's safe to say most of us are shocked and completely taken aback by what has occurred. The past two weeks have felt like whiplash, going from relatively normal life to everything changing. That being said, just because this is a crazy time does not mean we have to feel crazy. And just as we are all being encouraged to take care of our physical health, our mental health will be just as important. So here are a few things I've been discussing with my clients, as well as reminders I need to give myself, for how to cope with this difficult time. Acceptance Accepting that right now, this is a hard time and life will look very different, for the indefinite future. For many of us, our daily lives were turned upside in a very short amount of time. That change and challenge will vary for each person. But unfortunately, this is our reality for the moment. We do not know how long this will go on for. But instead of jumping ahead (more on that later) try bringing your focus to the now. The more we resist the moment, the worse it gets. Part of accepting the present is acknowledging the feelings you are having in the moment. Maybe that's anger, sadness, annoyance, fatigue. Whatever it may be, accept this difficult moment and be honest with how you are feeling. It can be as simple as saying "I'm terrified and furious that I won't be getting paid this week" or "I'm really frustrated that I can't leave my house." Acceptance may not sound like much, but it can be the difference between taking a deep breath in, or holding your breath for hours. Limit Your News Intake This can be a controversial one. Yes, staying informed and knowing the restrictions that apply to your national and local government is important. Do what you can to stay informed about those changes. Some states are offering text message updates with the latest information. However, once you have that information, most news focuses on content that we may not need or just increases anxiety. Try to notice how you feel after watching the news. Do you feel on edge, anxious or depressed? If so, consider taking a news detox or putting a limit on how much news you will watch each day. Stay Present If there is any guidance I could give at this time, it would be this: try your best to stay present. Take this pandemic one day at a time. That means not jumping days, weeks or even months ahead. Right now the future of this virus and it's effect on all of our lives is still very much to be determined. Yes, there are estimates but the future is still unknown. And when that's the case, try taking it one day at a time. If we try to take it all in at once, we will become overwhelmed. Ask yourself, what do I need to focus on today? What truly needs my focus today and what can wait? Am I focusing on things that are out of my control? Try to let go and release anything that is too far ahead or is out of your control. Gratitude It cannot be stressed enough what a difficult time this is. When we are in a difficult time, it's easy to become consumed by it and see everything in our day as bad. This is our brain's natural tendency: when you tell it what to focus on, it will. If you go into a room looking for blue, you will find blue. That's why during this time it's important to focus on the things you are grateful for. What is something in your day, in your life, that you can give appreciation for? It doesn't have to be anything big. It can be as simple as being grateful for a having a roof over your head or your family. It may not seem like much, but focusing on gratitude takes you away from a negative mindset. And the more you practice gratitude, the more you will see things in your day that you do appreciate. As the saying goes, "happy people aren't grateful, grateful people are happy." I recommend starting up a gratitude journal, and every night write down three to five things you are grateful for. Finally...breathe This is another recommendation that can sound simple at first but can have a tremendous impact. When times are crazy, it's important to stop, take a moment and do some deep breathing. Engaging deep breathing helps activate our parasympathetic nervous system, which in turn slows down our fight-or-flight response. It also helps us slow down our thinking and respond rationally to our thoughts. In one of my earlier posts I listed a few meditation practices to try: getting-started-beginning-meditation-practices.html For any that are new to meditation, I would suggest the 4-7-8 breathing. It's an exercise you can do just about anywhere. I also recommend it before bed if you are having trouble sleeping. Most importantly, we all need to be taking care of ourselves during this time, both physically and mentally. Becoming stressed and overwhelmed helps no one. This quote, from Eleanor Brown, sums it up perfectly - "Rest and self-care are so important. When you take the time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel."  Spring is right around the corner. But until then, we still have a few more weeks of cold, dark days. I consider myself a warm weather gal. I adore summer and basking in the sun for hours. Which is why I, like many people, struggle with winter and the cold. Just hearing the words “winter is coming” is a huge bummer (or it reminds me of Game of Thrones).
It makes sense why winter is our most dreaded season. With shorter days, we lose valuable sun exposure. The sun provides Vitamin D, which in turn boosts our mood. This is why many people experience an increase in depression over the winter months. The winters are particularly challenging for people with Seasonal Affective Disorder (known as SAD), a condition where depression symptoms occur during the winter due to lack of light exposure. Couple that with the decreased movement most us are getting during the winter. As a psychotherapist, I often see a big increase in reported depression symptoms during the winter months. With all of these negative factors, I had come to loathe winter. Even the fall season, a time I used to love, started to look like the grim reaper to winter. Last winter, I took a hard look at how this doom and gloom attitude was affecting my mood. The more we believe something will be miserable, chances are it will. Needing some winter therapy, I stumbled across the concept of hygge. Hygge (pronounced “hoo-ga”) is a Norwegian and Danish term. There is no direct translation but it can be roughly defined as a cozy lifestyle that encourages contentment and wellbeing. The hygge lifestyle is often credited as the reason why Norway and Denmark are frequently ranked high on the world’s happiness report. Interestingly, these countries are also known for long, harsh winters. So what is hygge and how can it help us not just survive the winter but actually enjoy it? The Cozy Factor One of the pillars of hygge is the concept of being cozy, something we all need during the winter. But it's not just staying warm and bundling up. It’s creating a mood inside your home that makes it extra cozy and inviting. Picture this for a moment: a beautiful log cabin, with a roaring fire, a plush carpet in front of it, with candles all around. Nestled on the couch are fluffy blankets and soft pillows. A cup of hot chocolate sits on a nearby coffee table. Lovely, right? That image is part of hygge’s essence. Make your home a place you want to relax in. Pick blankets and pillows that not only keep you warm but spark joy (think Marie Kondo, surround yourself with objects that elicit joy). This applies not just to our objects but our own clothing as well. Wear clothing that you want to snuggle up in. A warm, fluffy pair of socks. A sweater with delicious texture. Pick clothing that makes you excited to stay in and relax. Think of hygge as a full sensory experience. All of your five senses will be engaged, this is what creates such a deep feeling of relaxation and contentment. Set the Mood When I first learned about hygge, I was struck by how important lighting was: a roaring fire, soft lamps and candles (lots of candles). But then I remembered how important lighting is to our mood. Bright fluorescent lights remind us of a doctor’s office and is unlikely to encourage relaxation. These bright lights also tell your brain to wake up and stay alert. Soft lighting lets us relax and unwind. Creating a hygge environment is similar to the kind you would want to create for a romantic date night at home. Except now you would be creating that romantic lighting on a consistent basis. Add Some Deliciousness The concept of hygge applies not just to our setting but what we eat and drink as well. So what beverages do you want to consume in the winter? Hot chocolate, tea, mulled wine. All cozy beverages you would want to sip in front of a roaring fire. Similar for the types of foods we indulge in the winter, like hearty stews. It’s important to really savor your food and drink and consume mindfully. Be In The Moment Speaking of mindful! Perhaps what I love most about hygge is the emphasis on mindfulness and being present. It’s about time with family and friends and doing just that, being together. Whether it’s board games, sitting around the fire or talking over a cup of tea, it’s being present with the people you care about. That means unplugging and not scrolling through your phone during a game of Scrabble. There’s also a lovely simplicity to it, that gets forgotten in many households. The Danish culture knows this, which is why there is such an emphasis on quality time with family and loved ones. This reveals another reason why Denmark is routinely listed as one of the happiest countries. Research has shown that being fully present in our daily lives leads to increased joy and fulfillment. When we are present, we are truly savoring the moment. We are not focused on our thoughts and worries. It’s not bigger homes or better technology that leads to happiness. It’s better health, time with loved ones and being present that creates joy. So, the next time you feel that familiar winter loathing and longing for summer, try instead to embrace the season. See winter as a time to reset and relax. Grab a comfy blanket, snatch up that book you’ve been dying to read and light up a delicious smelling candle. Winter is here. We cannot change the seasons. But we can change how we respond to it.  4 -7- 8 Breathing
This is a great breathing exercise if you are just starting with meditation but feel overwhelmed. This is a breathing exercise you can do just about anywhere and it can help steady your heart rate. That in turn calms the body and the mind. It’s also excellent if you struggle with falling asleep at night or have anxiety. Also, because it requires you to count your breaths, your focus will be on the counting, instead of the wandering mind.
Tip - If the counts are too long, you can modify, such as 3-6-7. The main goal is to inhale through your nose, hold for a longer count and exhale through your mouth for an even longer count. Work on letting the belly rise and fall with the inhale and exhale. Walking Meditations This is a good mindfulness exercise if you have a lot of energy and sitting meditations are too much. A walking meditation is simply taking a walking but mindfully. Often when we walk our minds are wandering. When we are in a walking meditation, we try to be fully present in the experience. We do this by using our five senses.
Mindful Activity Engaging a mindful activity is another great exercise if you are new to meditation and mindfulness. Just like with walking, when we are doing a mindless task it becomes just that: mindless. With a mindful activity, we want to become fully present in the experience. This means keeping our focus on the task at hand and our breath.
Mantra Meditations Mantra meditations can be a positive meditation practice as well changing negative thought patterns. Our brains are hardwired for the negative, this is why we have an “inner critic” and it can be difficult to let go of negativity. Meditation helps us recognize our negative thought patterns and eventually change them. Mantra meditations can help increase positive thoughts and reprogram our subconscious. Think of it as retraining the brain. The more and more the brain gets a positive message, the more it starts to believe it. We do this by creating a mantra. A mantra is a short, present tense statement that is meant to be positive and encourage feelings of well being, such as “I am a kind and compassionate person” or “I am at peace.” For this meditation, identify a mantra that resonates with you. Think about your own negative self-talk and a mantra to challenge it. For example, if you struggle with perfectionism, your mantra could be “I am enough.” It can be helpful to have two mantras, one for your inhale and one for your exhale. So when you breathe in, silently say “breathe in peace” and as you breath out say silently “breathe out love.” You can do this meditation anywhere but it’s helpful to be in a quiet space where you can sit and practice for a few minutes.
Mindful Meditation This meditation is the more traditional practice people often think of when discussing meditation.
 So, you've read up on meditation, heard everyone from your aunt to your dentist talking about how great meditation is. You feel ready to give it a try. Here are a few tips to help you get started and avoid getting discouraged. Start Small Meditation is challenging so it’s important to start small and not overwhelm yourself. Often beginners to meditation give themselves too much time starting out, become frustrated and give up. I would encourage you to start very small, about three to five minutes a day, if that. Even just a minute of meditation is helpful. What’s more important is becoming consistent. Just like with a muscle, the more you work it, the stronger it becomes. Find What Resonates With You Try out a few meditations and see which fits you best. (In my next post, I'll go over different meditation practices to try). If you have a lot of energy and struggle to sit still, a sitting mindfulness meditation may be too much. Try a walking meditation instead. Everyone is different and finding what works for you is important. Stay Consistent Like any new habit, it’s important to make it part of your daily routine. This means scheduling a time everyday that is realistic. Don’t set an intention to meditate in the morning if you already struggle with waking up on time and always rush to get ready. Set yourself up for success. Remember, when you are first starting out it does not need to be a long time, just a few minutes daily. Meditating either first thing in the morning or right before bed is usually best. But everyone is different. Find what works for you. Give it Time Because meditation is hard, it’s common for people to give up and determine they cannot do it (see my previous post on meditation myths). Keep these other tips in mind and give it time. Only trying meditation once or twice is not enough. Try a meditation practice that works well for you, at a set time everyday, for at least a few weeks and then see how you feel. Be Gentle on Yourself It’s important when beginning a meditation practice to be compassionate with yourself. It’s normal to become distracted and restless. This does not mean you are “doing it wrong.” When this happens, try to be gentle with yourself and recognize this is normal. Give yourself credit that you are dedicating this time for yourself and your well being.  I came across this definition of mindfulness when listening to my audio book, Rising Strong by Brene Brown (side note: if you do not know Brene Brown, I highly recommend reading any of her books or listening to her Ted Talk on vulnerability. She's amazing). I thought I'd share the quote here. It comes from the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.
"Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. Mindfulness also involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. When we practice mindfulness, our thoughts tune in to what we’re sensing in the present moment rather than rehashing the past or imagining the future.”  In my last post I talked about why I'm a fan of meditation and think it's more than just a passing trend. If you're new to the mindfulness world, the next reasonable question would be, exactly what is meditation and mindfulness? You've heard these two words probably a dozen times, from you co-workers, on TV, everywhere! But what are they exactly?
What is Meditation? “Meditation is the practice of turning your attention to a single point of reference. It can involve focusing on the breath, on bodily sensations, or on a word or phrase known as a mantra. In other words, meditation means turning your attention away from distracting thoughts and focusing on the present moment.” - Psychology Today. What is Mindfulness? “A state of nonjudgmental awareness of what’s happening in the present moment, including the awareness’ of one’s thoughts, feelings and senses.” - Therapistaid.com. Meditation helps us learn to be more mindful. Essentially it’s training our brains to stay in the moment so we can enjoy the present and avoid overthinking. Think of meditation as the road to mindfulness. The more we meditate, the better we get at keeping our brains on the present. If I had to sum up meditation and it's benefit, I would say "brain training." It's learning to work with your mind so you are in the driver's seat, instead of just being along for the ride. Meditation Myths When I talk to clients about starting a meditation practice, I've found there a ton of misconceptions about meditation. It's often these meditation myths that stop people from trying or quickly discourage them after giving meditation a try. Here are a few: Myth 1: You need to stop thinking in order to meditate This is probably the biggest misconception about meditation. When we are meditating, we are still thinking. However we are observing our thoughts, instead of reacting to them. When we are mindlessly thinking, we are not taking the time to really observe our thoughts. When we meditate, we try to notice our thoughts without reacting to them (we’ll discuss this more in another post when we look at specific meditation practices). Myth 2: There is only one way to meditate Thankfully, there are several different forms of meditation and mindfulness. Mindfulness meditation, breathing meditations, mantras, guided imagery and walking meditations are all different forms of meditation. This allows for lots of options so you can find the practice that works for you. Myth 3: Meditation is used to escape reality It’s actually the opposite. Meditation encourages us to be in the moment but by being fully present and alert. There are some meditations that will walk you through a pleasant image, such as guided imagery meditation. However these are used to lower your stress and help you feel more centered once the meditation concludes. Myth 4: “I can’t meditate” or “I’m doing it wrong.” Here’s the honest truth: meditation is hard for EVERYONE. Our brains like to be anywhere but the present. This is why sitting down to meditate is so difficult, because our minds resist it. Even for seasoned meditators that have been at it for years, it’s still tough to quiet the mind. And here’s the other truth: there is not a right or wrong way to meditate. Taking the time to breathe or just notice your thoughts is meditation and that has benefit. Often people give up on meditation because they believe they are doing it incorrectly. But like most tasks, the more time and practice you put towards it, the easier it gets.  Wishing you a year filled with health, happiness and endless possibilities
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